The moment I stepped out of Piarco International Airport in Trinidad, I took a deep breath in and something was different. The air felt more crisp. I could hear music and Trinidadian accents all around. As I scanned the scenery, I saw the beautiful mountains and all my childhood memories came rushing back to me. 

I’ve recently learned that my brain dissociates as a means of survival, however a side effect is forgetting joyful memories. Some of those memories were my trips to Trinidad as a child. I remembered driving up and down the mountains and weekly trips to Maracas (the beach). I had a flashback of my grandparents taking pictures of me on the front patio before school in my uniform. These were the photos they sent to my parents as proof I was okay. I thought back to the phone calls to my parents where I said, “Why don’t you just sell the house? We can live here.” These are just a few of many memories between ages 4-8 when I spent time back home (aka in Trinidad). In this brief moment outside the airport, I made some deep connections about who I am, but more importantly who I’ve always been. 

My parents didn’t play about education, so my mom homeschooled me from the moment I could talk. Because of this I was very advanced in school, beginning in pre-kindergarten. When my parents tried to enroll me in kindergarten, the teacher said I adjusted very well, but the school wouldn’t accept me because I was too young. My parents did what any Caribbean parents would do, they sent me back home to go to school. In Trinidad, I lived with my grandparents and got my very first taste of island life. This was any grandchild’s dream, unsupervised time with my grandparents. I have very vivid memories of all the plants my grandma had at home and eating mangoes while sitting on the step by the side door to the kitchen. 

This moment outside the airport reminded me that the first time I experienced mountains wasn’t in Guatemala, it was here, at home. 

It reminded me that the reason I love the water is because of countless trips to the beach in Florida and Trinidad. 

It reminded me that my affinity for plants and nature isn’t spontaneous or new, it was planted in me from young. 

I travel near and far to experience nature and culture, when in fact, everything I love is right here at home. On top of that, I thought these were new interests that I was feeding, but there is truly nothing new under the sun. It’s always been here and this has always been who I am, I just needed a reminder. The moment outside the airport was a moment of clarity. It answered the many questions I’ve had about myself, who I am to be, why I struggle to connect with people, and what I’m looking for out of life. The best part was the answers were already in me. 

This trip was originally about carnival, but it gave me so much more. I got a chance to reconnect with myself at ages 4, 15, and 17. Each of these versions of me had been tucked away for one reason or another as I got more into the world and felt a pressure to conform. On the heels of processing grief, I needed this trip to remind me of what home feels like and the best parts of me. A few thanks to the people in my life who have helped me to know myself and home:

I am so thankful for my grandparents on both sides of my family who have passed and who are still with me for the foundation they have laid for me. They were all key in my upbringing. 

I am thankful for my parents for making sure I know where I come from, helping me stay connected, and always supporting me. 

I am thankful for childhood friends who know me better than I know myself.

Travel Tip #31: Keep people around who know you better than you.

As I navigate life connecting and reconnecting with people and places, I find that sometimes I stray from the path. Whether the reason for venturing off is my own doing or influenced by others, I am reminded of how important it is to have people around me who know the real me. The me that isn’t jaded by life’s experiences. The me that exists without the opinions of others. The people who know me have continuously brought me back to the path and back to myself. 

Find some time to visit or revisit people, places, and parts of your childhood. Trace back elements of yourself to discover where and how you became who you are. Take inventory of who you are now, who you were 5 years ago, who you were 10 years ago, who you thought you’d be as an adult. Know you can change course at any moment.

We’re all searching for something, I hope you find what you’re looking for. 

Finding home, 

Maila