I am 1 of 6 siblings and it goes boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl. I’m the middle sister and the gap from the firstborn to the youngest is 12 years. When you have that many siblings, you get used to sharing everything, whether you like it or not. Through elementary, middle, and high school, I shared a room with my younger sister. Anyone who’s shared a room with a sister, or even a sibling, has some stories to tell. You fight in the middle of the night, stay up late, steal their clothes, and break their stuff, then act surprised when they find out it’s broken. The list goes on and on, but you also develop a deep bond because you spend so much time with this person. That is… until one of you makes a move.

The first time I left home was for college. My sister was 12 years old and I was only a 45-minute plane ride or 3 hour car ride away. I didn’t feel far from my family and although I didn’t come home as often as a lot of my friends, I still felt a strong family tie. I came home for the holidays because:

1. I didn’t know how to cook a holiday meal by myself.

2. The university made everyone go home for the holidays.

It was an easy move. I had to give up my first roomie, but I got a little bit of freedom in return. It was a great exchange, in my opinion.

The second time I left home was for work and (I didn’t know it at the time) adulthood. I was moving out-of-state and my family had mixed emotions about it for a few months. Eventually, the morning of my move came, I said goodbye to my family and my little sister cried. I was shocked. The same roommate, now 14, who killed my fish and lied about it, was sad to see me leave. I didn't say it at the time, but I felt the same. I masked the feeling with excitement about my new venture, not knowing how much would change with the new distance between us.

Years went by and we went through the motions of siblings, sisterhood, and friendship. I started to feel disconnected, especially from my sister. I wasn’t there for all of her school events, nights before a big exam, or her first job. I experienced her going to prom through a series of photos my mom sent me and instagram stories. Even when we argued, it was via phone, which was very different than saying everything you meant in person. I felt like I was a character in her life for 14 seasons, then one day the producers decided to “head in a different direction.”

At some point in the last few years, we started to rebuild our bond by having an honest conversation. I think she initiated the conversation and everything that needed to be said flowed from there. Before I knew it, we were talking more often and I was on a flight home every month. We shared secrets again and created more memories. She’s a large part of the reason I moved back home. I didn’t want to catch the highlight reel of any more seasons of her life and I think the producers decided my role was too important to just move on without me.

This year, my forever roomie celebrated a BIG birthday; while it was loads of fun, it was like we were kids all over again celebrating in the backyard. She gave me the blues when it came to planning to the point of almost cancelling the entire thing. Every hour, it was a new text message about how terrible her birthday was going to be. After feeding into this for a few days, I decided I was going to celebrate her birthday with or without her. Eventually, she got on board (literally) and it was the best 5 days we spent together. We were roommates again. This time, a lot less rules and a lot more excitement.

My sister has taught me so much about being and expressing myself. The biggest lesson she’s taught me this year has been: recognize when to push and when to pause. We went from daily FaceTime calls to seeing each other all the time, and that sounds perfect… until it’s not. What was once a long distance relationship had to be adjusted for a lot more (actual) face time. She reminded me to listen more and I reminded her to trust me. As I listen more, I understand and can give her what she wants from me as her sister. In turn, she begins to trust me more and now we’re both helping each other grow as we find our balance in this cycle.

Travel Tip #18: Recognize when to push and when to pause.

This week, think about a relationship you want to see grow.

1. Write down where your relationship is currently, where you want it to be, and where it can be (realistically) by the end of 2021.

2. Ask yourself: Could I be listening more? Do I want him/her/they to listen more? Am I withholding my trust? Do I want to be trusted more?

3. Explore what you can do to help the relationship grow.

The first 5 years of my life with my own room were pretty cool, but being a big sister is way better. My first and forever roommate has become much more than a sister; she’s my person and my built-in best friend.

Teach and be teachable,

Mai